You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
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On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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