she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
