I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
