Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
