i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
