Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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