she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
