Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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