Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
