I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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