Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
