I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
