the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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