Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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