you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
