I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
