That's when you crack a 10am beer
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
