hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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