she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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