My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
