I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
