someone threw a dead crab at me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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