Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
