Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
