I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
