I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
