I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
