In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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