Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
