I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
