So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
