I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
this boner is exhausting
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
