why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
