you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
