you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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