So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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