So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think my nap took me to another dimension
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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