a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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