Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
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I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
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You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.