Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.