Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus