and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
