I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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