sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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