His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
