You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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