The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
