She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
