I just threw up on my dentist
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
