like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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