the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
