You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
