how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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