and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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