The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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