My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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