the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
