is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
