dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
