giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
